The Disempowerment of Money Being Your God

In my journey healing PTSD, with its varying symptoms, I have been listening to the voices inside me, and I realised how much of my thought process is around my provision. Worrying about making money, do I have enough money, will I have enough ماكينة عد الفلوس.

You could say I had a right to think like that, we all do, it’s a fact of life. My father’s parents died when he was in his early 20s, so he had to provide for himself, so working hard and working your way up was how you made sure you had enough money.

I do the accounts for my son’s business and when I relax about my money, I start to worry about his money, to the point of having OCD where I check his bank account app on my phone multiple times a day to see what transactions have occurred.

I really allowed myself to feel into this worry and realised my relationship with money is exhausting me, it’s part of believing that if I keep on top of things, I will be OK.

My father had a saying that I knew so very well as a child. – “I know men in the ranks, who are going to stay in the ranks. Why? I’ll tell you why. Simply because they haven’t the ability to get things done.”

I asked myself, so what if it’s not my hard work that allows me opportunities? What if it’s the letting go when I switch off at the end of the day that allows abundance to flow in?

In the 1980s when I had a young family, I had this attitude of letting go and letting God as my source of supply, but I was in a relationship where we were in partnership handling our money. I felt more support. I could play around with surrendering, because I felt I had him for back up.

Then in my next relationship I was in charge of managing the money and there wasn’t a partnership in the financial decisions. So I had a lot more fear of lack of provision.

Now I am on my own and I provide for myself so if I surrender, I’m mindful that it’s just me. Who is there to do the hard work? What if I let go and it all turns to chaos? Isn’t letting go and letting God like handing it over to thin air?

From the time I reached working age in my teens, I have been in situations where I endured abuse and terrible humiliation for a pay cheque. I believed I had to put up with it, because money was my source, my survival. I was taught to do what it takes to keep your job.

So in allowing myself more space, allowing my body to spend more time relaxing to switch on the parasympathetic nervous system, it’s bought up my fear of what will happen if I don’t keep on it, don’t keep pursuing my need to get more done, to create more, to make more, to be more.

Our culture’s values are such that if you aren’t being more, then there’s something wrong. We receive messages that maybe we need to heal procrastination, or maybe we have a fear of success?

Most of the photos people post on Facebook are about what they are doing. They may post the highlight of their day, but they aren’t taking a photo of themselves doing the dishes, or napping. We can often feel lacking in comparison to other people’s apparent busyness and success.

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